I've realized that people's first impression of me might not be so good because I'm one of those people that can not keep a conversation going, therefore it just seems awkward or dull talking to me. I don't do much in my life that is exciting or interesting to share with people. When I say "my life is boring", I'm being completely honest because I don't do anything with my life. I don't read books that are interesting to spark a conversation, I don't watch things that can be used as a topic, and I don't follow the news as much as I should.
In a sense, I feel like I'm not that educated or well-rounded as I'd like to be. I know the solution to this problem, but there is a problem with the solution. I'm a big procrastinator. And I envision my life being something but I am never motivated enough to work hard to get that life. I see myself doing big things and it kills me inside to know that I will never reach it. People around me always tell me to work hard and jump at opportunities, but I can't. I hate saying it, but I really cannot. I choke. I choke to the point where I cry. I'm so scared of failure. I'm terrified. I'm so scared of getting put down. Part of it is because in my head, all I see is failure. I never ever see myself succeeding, and when I do, I'm more shocked than happy. Everyone else believes in me, but myself. And it sucks. I want to change my mind set. I want to be able to not doubt my abilities, and to achieve the life I have always dreamt of having.
I want to be able to talk to a complete stranger and actually have an intellectual conversation with them. I want to be able to keep up the conversation, to share my opinions on things. But I always think that my opinions, my interests, are far from what people want to hear or talk about. Sometimes, I'm so scared of even letting a little bit of my opinion slip out of my mouth on certain things that I just agree with everyone around me.
I can see myself improving with sharing my opinions though. I'm not as afraid to share them as I was before. For example, if I'm having a conversation with my friends, I can actually articulate to them what I think without feeling stupid or unintelligent. But that's also because the friends I have don't actually shoot me down for sharing my point of view on something (love that about them)!
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People come and go. I've been feeling like people are leaving my life more than their coming in. One by one, everyone is just walking away from me. They aren't doing it intentionally (I hope) but rather, they are moving on while I'm still stuck in the past. I think I'm gonna be the cat lady (well dog lady since I don't particularly like cats).
In all honesty though, I've come to terms with the people that are out of my life. They came into my life, made an imprint and left. That's what is supposed to happen. As long as the people that are really close to me don't leave me behind, I think I can survive this world. The only people I do need beside me are the ones that are willing to stick by me no matter what happens in my life or this world because at the end of the day, when the world is ending, they are the ones I want to spend my last moments with!
All we need to do is focus on the good times of those that left and create some more good ones with those that stayed :)
"We should take a walk someday, dream about what we could have been"
