RANT #6 - It's time for another one

I'm in dire need of letting off some steam, so here goes it.

BELL

Where do even begin? We switched to you a few years back now, and up until about 5 months ago, you were pretty decent. Now, with your new system, all we have been doing is speaking with customer service EVERY month just so you can fix something or the other. Like what's going on? Are you having problems? If so, please let me know so I can brace myself for when you meltdown. Or is it the fact that you just cannot perform properly under all the pressure? Whatever it is, please fix yourself. Because if we have to deal with another problem now, I give you my word when I say, you will be losing a customer. Cancelling a customer's account, overcharging them, internet troubles every other week, TV troubles every other week... Seriously the list just goes on. I am a frustrated human being who needs to be consoled. Fixing yourself will console me. Not having problems with you anymore will console me.

WIND

Oh goodness, you my enemy, you have to sit down for this one. I come to you thinking you are the best deal amongst every offer out there. And, money wise, you definitely are. But your service, my goodness, your service sucks. You tell me I have unlimited data, yet it doesn't work half the time. You tell me I have nation-wide service, yet it hardly works in my own city. Funny story actually. One day, I was about two feet away from your store and I had no signal. Are you kidding me? I am standing right by your store and I don't have signal? Now that's gotta be a prank of some sort? Definitely.. because the service cannot be THAT SHIT! Oh but it can. As soon as I go 20 mins away from where I live, you tell me that I am "Roaming"... What? So basically, I only have signal and service when I am at home? Oh yeah, that's wonderful, because I so desperately need my phone when I am in the comfort of my home. To add to that, I will be in one building and have perfectly good signal, but as soon as I step into a nearby building, it's gone. Or the best one yet.. when it tells me I have full bars but WON'T LET ME SEND MESSAGES OR CALL OUT! Why? Why? WHY?!?!

PERSONAL SPACE

Have you ever been in line at a store and have a person behind you invade your personal (invisible) bubble? Some people don't know this concept I guess because they stand so close to you that you could hear their breathing. BACK OFF! Please! I don't know you well enough for you to be "all up in my grill like that!" And even if I did know you, personal space is personal space. Stop invading my bubble just because you don't have one! Ughhh, people sometimes...

PUBLIC TRANSIT - BUS 

I'm pretty sure I have already expressed my dislike for this, but it continues to occur and continues to make my blood boil.
I actually like taking buses, not going to lie. I mean, if I can rather drive or get a ride, taking the bus just seems pointless. But when I have to, I will. I don't have a problem with it. Now, on a regular day, I plan my trip so that I arrive about 10 minutes before ( I know I know, bad idea, but I do it anyway). I like to get to the stop a few minutes, just in case.
So here I am, walking to the stop 5 minutes before the bus' arrival time. 5 minutes goes by. The bus hasn't arrived. I think, "Okay, maybe it's just a couple minutes late. Whatever, no big deal." I see this girl walk passed me, and all she said to me was "The bus left." She had been waiting at the stop before mine, and I guess she saw it drive by before she reached the stop. You don't understand the anger I felt towards that bus/bus driver. You're gonna tell me that even if I check the schedule and be at the stop 5 minutes before arrival time, I STILL WON'T GET THE BUS?! You've got to be kidding me. Why have a scheduled time then? I understand if you are late, because you still show up. The schedules are made so its an approximate time, taking into consideration no traffic or a lot of traffic. I know that, but c'mon! Am I supposed to be waiting at that stop for 10 minutes so that I don't miss it? That's just ridiculous! I also ended up missing my connecting bus, which made me late for my class. And I hate walking into class late. All those eyes on you. No. Just no.

CASHIER AT T.H. 

My friend ordered the Dark Candy Cane Hot Chocolate (which is delicious by the way!). which tasted like coffee, and was in fact coffee. The lady had put coffee topped with whipped cream and candy cane bits on top. So as she walked by, I said "Excuse me?" I got no answer, so I said it again, a bit louder this time. I'm 98% sure she heard me because one, I don't have a soft voice, and two she wasn't far away from me. Since I was being ignored, when the lady who served me (let's call her lady B) comes back with my order, I  tell her the problem. She turns to the other one and tells it to her. Without directly saying it to us, the lady says rudely, "It's hot chocolate" (meaning it's not coffee, like we claimed). So I replied with, "It tastes like coffee." To which, again indirectly and more rudely, she replied with the same thing. [To back track a little, I was functioning on about 4 hours of sleep so I was not a happy camper at this point] I got so annoyed that she thought we were lying about it, and not even willing to pour it out to see that it was, indeed, coffee (since hot chocolate is much darker). I wanted to tell her, well taste it and tell me what you think because it definitely isn't hot chocolate you dips*** but I didn't because I could never do that. But I did say, "Well, it doesn't taste like hot chocolate!" in such a annoyed and frustrated voice that I shocked myself (haha). Like why argue with us when we are telling you it isn't what we ordered. Why would anyone lie about that? I mean, a hot chocolate is more expensive than a coffee, so it's not about the money.

I understand that it was a busy time at the moment. And having just three of you working drive-thru, cash, and making the food must have been a little overwhelming. But I also know that in those rushed moments, you can make a mistake. And mistakes are completely fine and human. But when you do not own up to those mistakes, or you argue with me and tell me that I am wrong, well lady, I have to be a prick about it. I am not capable of being a complete ass to anyone, but at that moment, if you had tested me even the slightest bit more, I would have gone crazy on you. Caroline plus limited sleep equals a person even I don't recognize.

MY BRAIN, MY HEART

In the words of Nickelback:

Are you waiting on a lightening strike
Are you waiting for the perfect night
Are you waiting 'til the time is right?
Are you waiting for the right excuse?
Are you waiting for a sign to choose?
While you're waiting it's the time you lose
Don't you wanna spread your wings and fly?
Don't you really wanna live your life?
Don't you wanna love before you die?
What are you waiting for?

Do not mope around because you decided to take your time. Do not mope because you thought you had more time than you did. You lost the opportunity not because it was taken from you, but because you didn't take it yourself. An opportunity is not a right; it's not meant to stick around and wait for you to be ready. An opportunity is a privilege and just as it is given to you, it can sure as heck be taken from you. Remember that for next time. Be prepared to seize the moment, because you never know what will happen tomorrow. "Why tomorrow, when there is today." 

"You're gone and I gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind"

Why compare ourselves?

Just like the next person, I have body image issues. In today's world, society has plastered the minds of young people like me about what we should look like, and what the ideal body image is. It has made the body a marketing scheme without thinking of the repercussions of it all. But what's even sadder is that, even after realizing the consequences body-shaming has, society (and media) continues to do it. It has became a norm for people to hate their body image and hide their flaws...

It's like human beings don't matter any more. Human beings are just another commodity in this money making world. What can I sell to them now? What can they buy into now? What can they sell to us? How can we make money off of these measly things? It's as if the ones running these things are aliens who are using us as puppets. We are guided in life by the puppeteer who points us in the next new fad, whether it be a diet or make-up. Why is it that we, as human beings, cannot accept the world as it is? Why must we have to change it all the time?

People who are thin think they are too thin.People who are fat think they are too fat. People who are medium-sized, think they are either too thin or two fat. So what exactly is the "right size" to be? What IS the ideal body type? Because from what I know, no ONE person has the same body shape or type. You may have similar body types, but they are not the same. So where did this notion for an "ideal" body image come from?

The answer, I think, is media. Media made it possible for people to compare each other and idealize people who were put in the spotlight. People see these "idols" as perfect because they assume that, because this person looks that particular way, she and/or he became famous. Because she has short blonde hair, blue eyes, nice boobs, and a nice arse, she became successful in life. The fact of the matter is, those who are in the spotlight are seen as highly successful people because they are "living the life." 

If there were no such thing as celebrities, do you think there would be such a high rate of low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence? I think there would be a much lower rate because people would not really have anything to compare too, other than the people they saw around them. But if it was not such a big thing to begin with, no one would be doing it. The media puts such pressure on the celebrities, and influences the minds of others, hence the concept of an ideal body image. If there was no media, you eliminate the influencer. You eliminate the problem.

Although more and more people are trying to break the idea of an "ideal body image", it's still hard to walk around with your head held high in pride. People still judge you no matter what. And I guess I can't expect things to change over night, because this world doesn't work that way. People don't work that way. We are programmed to put people down in order for us to feel happy and feel like we matter.

What we have to remember is, "Don't care what people think of you." Although this is extremely hard to do, you have to take it with a pinch of salt. People are cruel, we know that. People are judgemental, we know that too. We just have to keep our heads up and realize that for every one cruel person, there is at least one awesome person. That person doesn't see you for size or race or height, he/she sees you for you. For your personality. Your quirks. Your talents. Whether this person is your mother, your father, your friend, your teacher, your co-worker. You have to think of and store all the good things in life, and let go of the bad ones. 

Realize that everyone is different. No one is the same... actually, let me rephrase that. Everyone is the same on the inside, but different on the outside. We are all made of bones. We are all created by the same process. However, although we may have similar birth stories, and identical internal parts, our outsides are unique... Quirky... Different. You know how people say, "It's what's on the inside that counts"? Yeah well, that's wrong. It's what's outside that counts. Our appearance tells us apart from each other. Why would we want to / have to change it just so we can all look the same? So that we can all have the same "ideal body image'? Can you imagine a world like that? That's one BORING world, let me tell you. 

Over the past few weeks, I came across some posts that actually initiated this whole blog post. This issue has always been at the back of my mind because I struggle with it on a daily basis, but these articles made me take a step back and re-evaluate how I view myself and how I view the world. I realized that I need to change my outlook on this issue and realize that there's no way that I can fit this ideal image and THAT'S OKAY! 

Love yourself. Be who you are, not what other people what you to be. 

• 5 Things: Feeling Better In Your Skin
• Why You Need To Heal Your Damaged Body Image
• When Your Ideas of Yourself Is Lost In Someone Else

"They tell us from the time we're young to hide the things that we don't like about ourselves.

I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else.

Well I'm over it!"

Headaches & heart aches

Things that may seem so simple to other girls seems so impossible for me. I don't know how to approach situations like this. I don't know where to begin, where to take a leap of faith, or know when to let go. I don't understand these emotions which makes them even more overwhelming, frustrating, and stressful. It messes with my head and heart!

My head says "NO!" but my heart says "YES!"Which one is right? Which do I follow? The old saying says the heart, but that scares me. What if my heart leads me astray and I end up stranded, on my own. That scares me. To be alone and embarrassed. That's two things I don't ever want to experience together. However, it is really frustrating to know that my fear is what holds me back from certain opportunities. It angers me because I doubt myself and what I may be capable of because of the mindset I have, and because of assumptions I make of myself.

So what do I do? I end up thinking about it all the time. It takes up my free time some days, and I make myself have a lot of that. It messes up my head, and it plays with my heart. I just don't know where to go with this. Instead of acting on it, I over analyze it. I over think it all. Every little bit of it. I'll go over the situations multiple times with different end results just to see where things could have possibly gone. Do you understand how pathetic and how annoying that is? Let me tell you, it's very pathetic and annoying. Very.

And the most ridiculous thing is, the only reason this feeling exists is because (oh so I think) I haven't been given this "opportunity" in a while, and I guess it just hit me like a brick wall ( is that a saying?). I ran head first into this vast ocean, and now I don't know how to get out. I was so over joyed to have the chance to be in this situation that I got way too caught up in it, and now I am so in over my head, it's crazy. 

To top that off, university life isn't treating me fairly either ( or rather, I'm just not giving a care in the world)

"I never knew that everything was falling through.

I wish you were a stranger I could disengage"

Believe in yourself

It's funny how people tend to believe in you more than you believe in yourself.

I have this issue where I do not see my full potential and everyone else seems to. Sometimes I wish I could view myself from their eyes to see what I am missing. I know I can do that, but I just don't know how to. I need a lot more faith in myself in order to do that. I haven't really done anything in my life that shows me my potential, to show me that I can be more than what I have settled for. This is another reason why I always tend to aim low and am truly happy when I achieve something more. Because to me, that low point is what I believe I deserve with the work I put in, but achieving something more shows me that, if I actually work harder and put more effort into it, I can get it.

But here's the other not-an-excuse excuse, I am lazy, unmotivated, and just a big procrastinator. This prevents me from doing so much and also limits my faith in myself. I mean, I have faith that I will get things done, but when it comes to actually putting in the effort, I tend to turn away from that. Which leads to the idea that that is all I can do. I always say, "once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator" because old habits do die hard. But I don't actually believe that statement because I can change. I can do whatever the hell I want, but the question is do I want to?

I think I am afraid of something. I am afraid of putting in the effort, having faith in myself and still failing. Failing is one of my biggest fears. I guess it's one of many people's fears. But I am so afraid to lose that I tell myself that if I expect to fail, then it's okay. So if I set my bar low, I am lowering my chances of being disappointed in myself. It makes so much sense when I am actually doing it, but writing it down makes it seem like a cowardice move. IT IS a cowardice move.

Wow, I was meant to talk about other people believing in you more than yourself, but I went on a tangent. As usual. I guess, it's easier for other people to see your potential and to wish for you to achieve great things because they do not have this nagging voice in their head that is pointing out all your flaws, weaknesses and fears. They only see your abilities. What you (meaning me) should do is take a step out of your head and try and view yourself from their perspective. Give yourself a chance to prove itself. Give yourself a little more positive thoughts, be optimistic. And that can take you a long way. Baby steps. That's all you gotta take. Small steps in order to rise higher. And be better.

"I can feel something inside me say 

I really don't think you're strong enough"

Letting off some steam

There are very few people in my life that I turn to when I am in dire need of letting off some steam. There aren't very many instances where I feel like I really HAVE to do this, but when I do, I feel like I will go insane if I don't.

Everything will be going smoothly, until suddenly something happens and my mind goes haywire. It will be the tiniest of things that set it off too, which makes me even more livid afterwards! Suddenly, my mind is going through all the things I may have done to deserve it. I go through all the options and settle on one that I think is the most plausible. That thought then turns into my reality, and I start to believe it. And once I believe it, my blood boils because I start taking my anger out on the person/situation. I start creating conversations in my head and responses, which I believe to be real replies! And it's just a downward spiral from there. All this happens within 2 minutes after the trigger. 

I hate this because I make up a huge mountain out of a very tiny, minuscule molehill! It makes me feel and think things that I immediately regret! Especially when the situation takes a completely different turn than I imagined (which happens 99% of the bloody time)! 

How do I turn my mind off? How do I tell it to shut up? To leave me alone? But I'm pretty sure if it keeps making me feel like this, I'll have to be admitted to a mental asylum.

"And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl"

What do I do?

Anyone who is just starting to choose a career knows that it is a difficult decision to make. It is a life changing decision that takes a lot of time and effort to achieve. That's why when you decide to take one path, you want to make the right choice so that you don't find yourself wanting to change. And like anyone with a career knows, the decision you make may not end up being what you wanted, and therefore you do end up wanting to do something else. Usually, the path you choose will end up being boring to you, unless you really do love your job (good on you if you do!).

Now, I am part of the former - choosing my career. And like a lot people my age, I have absolutely no idea what direction my life is leading me to. Sometimes I wish to travel to the future to see where I end up. I lay in bed wondering what to do with my life. I go through the things I'm good at, and things I know for a fact I can cross off the list (for example, a doctor... I have the attention span of a goldfish, therefore to even go through the studies for this would melt my brain!) The sad thing is that my list of things I'm good at only go so far, therefore my list of careers also only go so far.

I have these dreams of travelling the world, and being a part of an organization that goes around and helps to get rid of poverty. But dreams need to be put into action. And it's that in between part, that motivation that I lack. This laziness limits me from reaching these dreams and also limits my options to choose a career I know I would love. I know I am not a "sit-in-a-cubicle-and-stare-at-a-computer-all-day" type of person. I need to be doing something to keep me moving and to keep me interested (even though I am lazy!).

So where do I get this burst of motivation? This energy that makes other people work hard to get what they want? I want some, and honestly, I need some. I know that I have to do it by myself, and no matter what anyone tells me or shows me, at the end of the day, it is up to me to get of my arse. I am hoping that I get bitten by the "get off your arse" bug sometime in this year so that I can do exactly that. I am so tired of being scared and of thinking I am not capable to reach my goals. If you put your mind to it, you can definitely reach your goal. All there is to it is working hard towards it and never giving up. 

"I know I'm quiet. And I know I should speak more. But if you knew the things that were in my head most of the time, you'd know what it really meant, how much we're alike, and how we've been through the same things. And you're not small, you are beautiful."

Rant #5 - No one has the right to judge.

It is none of anyone's business what I do or others do with their lives. You have no right to have an opinion on anyone else's life except your own. Unless it's your child or someone you are extremely close with, you don't need to pick on their "flaws" ( I quote that because everyone has flaws, therefore for one person to be picking on someone else's is pretty ironic in my opinion)

It drives me insane how people have shaped society. The norms (MAN-MADE norms) that are in place are ridiculous. The media doesn't help either. Their idea of beauty and health are so far off from reality. They create this false image for people to strive for and, the sad thing is, some people actually do because they feel like it is the only way for them to feel beautiful, confident and above all, happy.

I just hate that people buy into this feeling - myself included. It just makes us hope for something that isn't even real to begin with.

Now, if you are naturally thin or YOU YOURSELF want to be slim, good on you! That's great! But people who feel to have an opinion on someone else's body size and shape need to think before they talk. Unless you are a doctor and a person comes to you for advice, keep your words to yourself, please.

This world is not made of people who look the same. It's contains people of different sizes, shapes, heights, features, personalities, styles, interests and so on. No one has the right to judge others because that person doesn't fall under what you like or consider good. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT so get over it and move on with your life. Just imagine a world where we all look the same? I mean inagine if we were physically, mentally, socially (and whatever else) similar to one another? That would be one BORING world! And knowing mankind, it would still find flaws. But that's besides the point here.

You have no place in another person's life (unless you are the mother of course) to tell them anything about their body. If they are healthy and happy with who they are, they don't need to follow what society views. They are making their life work around what society believes and that's awesome! And if you feel the constant need to negatively comment on someone's body size, shape or flaws in general, take my advice, and stop talking to them. You are not helping their self-esteem or their happiness.

At the end of the day, we are all made of bones. We all have the same insides (physically speaking), just different outsides. Different shells. Unique shells. So accept the differences and live YOUR life.

Now I'm not ignorant. There are exceptions to this, for example, if the person is extremely unhealthy. But even at that point, you have to approach it in a good way, not a critical one. There are no need for harsh words. You are talking to a human being after all, not an object without feelings.

"If you can't lose the weight then you're just fat.

But if you lose too much then you're on crack.

You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't

So you might as well just do whatever you want"