Headaches & heart aches

Things that may seem so simple to other girls seems so impossible for me. I don't know how to approach situations like this. I don't know where to begin, where to take a leap of faith, or know when to let go. I don't understand these emotions which makes them even more overwhelming, frustrating, and stressful. It messes with my head and heart!

My head says "NO!" but my heart says "YES!"Which one is right? Which do I follow? The old saying says the heart, but that scares me. What if my heart leads me astray and I end up stranded, on my own. That scares me. To be alone and embarrassed. That's two things I don't ever want to experience together. However, it is really frustrating to know that my fear is what holds me back from certain opportunities. It angers me because I doubt myself and what I may be capable of because of the mindset I have, and because of assumptions I make of myself.

So what do I do? I end up thinking about it all the time. It takes up my free time some days, and I make myself have a lot of that. It messes up my head, and it plays with my heart. I just don't know where to go with this. Instead of acting on it, I over analyze it. I over think it all. Every little bit of it. I'll go over the situations multiple times with different end results just to see where things could have possibly gone. Do you understand how pathetic and how annoying that is? Let me tell you, it's very pathetic and annoying. Very.

And the most ridiculous thing is, the only reason this feeling exists is because (oh so I think) I haven't been given this "opportunity" in a while, and I guess it just hit me like a brick wall ( is that a saying?). I ran head first into this vast ocean, and now I don't know how to get out. I was so over joyed to have the chance to be in this situation that I got way too caught up in it, and now I am so in over my head, it's crazy. 

To top that off, university life isn't treating me fairly either ( or rather, I'm just not giving a care in the world)

"I never knew that everything was falling through.

I wish you were a stranger I could disengage"

Believe in yourself

It's funny how people tend to believe in you more than you believe in yourself.

I have this issue where I do not see my full potential and everyone else seems to. Sometimes I wish I could view myself from their eyes to see what I am missing. I know I can do that, but I just don't know how to. I need a lot more faith in myself in order to do that. I haven't really done anything in my life that shows me my potential, to show me that I can be more than what I have settled for. This is another reason why I always tend to aim low and am truly happy when I achieve something more. Because to me, that low point is what I believe I deserve with the work I put in, but achieving something more shows me that, if I actually work harder and put more effort into it, I can get it.

But here's the other not-an-excuse excuse, I am lazy, unmotivated, and just a big procrastinator. This prevents me from doing so much and also limits my faith in myself. I mean, I have faith that I will get things done, but when it comes to actually putting in the effort, I tend to turn away from that. Which leads to the idea that that is all I can do. I always say, "once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator" because old habits do die hard. But I don't actually believe that statement because I can change. I can do whatever the hell I want, but the question is do I want to?

I think I am afraid of something. I am afraid of putting in the effort, having faith in myself and still failing. Failing is one of my biggest fears. I guess it's one of many people's fears. But I am so afraid to lose that I tell myself that if I expect to fail, then it's okay. So if I set my bar low, I am lowering my chances of being disappointed in myself. It makes so much sense when I am actually doing it, but writing it down makes it seem like a cowardice move. IT IS a cowardice move.

Wow, I was meant to talk about other people believing in you more than yourself, but I went on a tangent. As usual. I guess, it's easier for other people to see your potential and to wish for you to achieve great things because they do not have this nagging voice in their head that is pointing out all your flaws, weaknesses and fears. They only see your abilities. What you (meaning me) should do is take a step out of your head and try and view yourself from their perspective. Give yourself a chance to prove itself. Give yourself a little more positive thoughts, be optimistic. And that can take you a long way. Baby steps. That's all you gotta take. Small steps in order to rise higher. And be better.

"I can feel something inside me say 

I really don't think you're strong enough"

Letting off some steam

There are very few people in my life that I turn to when I am in dire need of letting off some steam. There aren't very many instances where I feel like I really HAVE to do this, but when I do, I feel like I will go insane if I don't.

Everything will be going smoothly, until suddenly something happens and my mind goes haywire. It will be the tiniest of things that set it off too, which makes me even more livid afterwards! Suddenly, my mind is going through all the things I may have done to deserve it. I go through all the options and settle on one that I think is the most plausible. That thought then turns into my reality, and I start to believe it. And once I believe it, my blood boils because I start taking my anger out on the person/situation. I start creating conversations in my head and responses, which I believe to be real replies! And it's just a downward spiral from there. All this happens within 2 minutes after the trigger. 

I hate this because I make up a huge mountain out of a very tiny, minuscule molehill! It makes me feel and think things that I immediately regret! Especially when the situation takes a completely different turn than I imagined (which happens 99% of the bloody time)! 

How do I turn my mind off? How do I tell it to shut up? To leave me alone? But I'm pretty sure if it keeps making me feel like this, I'll have to be admitted to a mental asylum.

"And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl"

What do I do?

Anyone who is just starting to choose a career knows that it is a difficult decision to make. It is a life changing decision that takes a lot of time and effort to achieve. That's why when you decide to take one path, you want to make the right choice so that you don't find yourself wanting to change. And like anyone with a career knows, the decision you make may not end up being what you wanted, and therefore you do end up wanting to do something else. Usually, the path you choose will end up being boring to you, unless you really do love your job (good on you if you do!).

Now, I am part of the former - choosing my career. And like a lot people my age, I have absolutely no idea what direction my life is leading me to. Sometimes I wish to travel to the future to see where I end up. I lay in bed wondering what to do with my life. I go through the things I'm good at, and things I know for a fact I can cross off the list (for example, a doctor... I have the attention span of a goldfish, therefore to even go through the studies for this would melt my brain!) The sad thing is that my list of things I'm good at only go so far, therefore my list of careers also only go so far.

I have these dreams of travelling the world, and being a part of an organization that goes around and helps to get rid of poverty. But dreams need to be put into action. And it's that in between part, that motivation that I lack. This laziness limits me from reaching these dreams and also limits my options to choose a career I know I would love. I know I am not a "sit-in-a-cubicle-and-stare-at-a-computer-all-day" type of person. I need to be doing something to keep me moving and to keep me interested (even though I am lazy!).

So where do I get this burst of motivation? This energy that makes other people work hard to get what they want? I want some, and honestly, I need some. I know that I have to do it by myself, and no matter what anyone tells me or shows me, at the end of the day, it is up to me to get of my arse. I am hoping that I get bitten by the "get off your arse" bug sometime in this year so that I can do exactly that. I am so tired of being scared and of thinking I am not capable to reach my goals. If you put your mind to it, you can definitely reach your goal. All there is to it is working hard towards it and never giving up. 

"I know I'm quiet. And I know I should speak more. But if you knew the things that were in my head most of the time, you'd know what it really meant, how much we're alike, and how we've been through the same things. And you're not small, you are beautiful."

Rant #5 - No one has the right to judge.

It is none of anyone's business what I do or others do with their lives. You have no right to have an opinion on anyone else's life except your own. Unless it's your child or someone you are extremely close with, you don't need to pick on their "flaws" ( I quote that because everyone has flaws, therefore for one person to be picking on someone else's is pretty ironic in my opinion)

It drives me insane how people have shaped society. The norms (MAN-MADE norms) that are in place are ridiculous. The media doesn't help either. Their idea of beauty and health are so far off from reality. They create this false image for people to strive for and, the sad thing is, some people actually do because they feel like it is the only way for them to feel beautiful, confident and above all, happy.

I just hate that people buy into this feeling - myself included. It just makes us hope for something that isn't even real to begin with.

Now, if you are naturally thin or YOU YOURSELF want to be slim, good on you! That's great! But people who feel to have an opinion on someone else's body size and shape need to think before they talk. Unless you are a doctor and a person comes to you for advice, keep your words to yourself, please.

This world is not made of people who look the same. It's contains people of different sizes, shapes, heights, features, personalities, styles, interests and so on. No one has the right to judge others because that person doesn't fall under what you like or consider good. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT so get over it and move on with your life. Just imagine a world where we all look the same? I mean inagine if we were physically, mentally, socially (and whatever else) similar to one another? That would be one BORING world! And knowing mankind, it would still find flaws. But that's besides the point here.

You have no place in another person's life (unless you are the mother of course) to tell them anything about their body. If they are healthy and happy with who they are, they don't need to follow what society views. They are making their life work around what society believes and that's awesome! And if you feel the constant need to negatively comment on someone's body size, shape or flaws in general, take my advice, and stop talking to them. You are not helping their self-esteem or their happiness.

At the end of the day, we are all made of bones. We all have the same insides (physically speaking), just different outsides. Different shells. Unique shells. So accept the differences and live YOUR life.

Now I'm not ignorant. There are exceptions to this, for example, if the person is extremely unhealthy. But even at that point, you have to approach it in a good way, not a critical one. There are no need for harsh words. You are talking to a human being after all, not an object without feelings.

"If you can't lose the weight then you're just fat.

But if you lose too much then you're on crack.

You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't

So you might as well just do whatever you want"

On a rainy day, we must bake!

I decided to bake since it was such a dull day. Not only did I bake cookies, I also baked brownies, but unfortunately, I am a little illiterate and incomprehensible when reading new recipes. In other words, I messed up on the brownies.

But I thought of something fun to do while I baked - I would document them and upload a picture-recipe on here, just for fun :) I am also learning/testing out my Nikon camera, so this was a perfect opportunity!

So here goes my cookie recipe (which I got off of www.allrecipes.com)

You will need: 
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar

3/4 unsalted butter, room temperature

1 egg
1 egg yolk
1/2 tsp baking powder/soda
1 tbsp vanilla extract

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips 

Optional: Wax paper/parchment paper

 

Preheat oven to 350°F (175°C).

Mix the butter, white sugar and brown sugar together, until creamy. If you have a mixer, mix it for about 10 minutes or so.

*Note - DO NOT melt the butter. Better results when it's at room temperature/soft

Next, separate the egg yolk from one egg and add it into the mixture. Add the other egg in as well (not separated) and beat it 

Dissovle baking powder/soda in a little bit of hot water. Add it to the mix.

Also, add in the vanilla extract.

 Then, add the flour, one cup at a time. 

If you do both, your kitchen will look like you had a flour fight with yourself.

Finally, fold in the chocolate chips. Add as much or as little as you'd like. 

It's all up to your preference. 

 Then, either grease and flour your cookie trays or put wax paper on it to prevent the cookies from sticking. (I used wax paper)

Either use your clean hands, a scoop or just a spoon to make balls. Make them as big or as small (not too small of course) as you'd like. You could also make a giant one, just saying :) 

 15-20 minutes later, your cookies are all ready to be devoured! 

*CAUTION: Cookies may be hot!

I hope the cookies turn out as great as they did for me! Remember, have fun making them! 

"May our hearts be full like our drinks tonight
May we sing and dance 'til we lose our minds
We are only young if we seize the night
Tonight we own the night"

Fallember

November might just be my favourite month! The trees change colour completely and begin to let go of their leaves! It signifies a new start, in my opinion. Starting all over again from the bottom. It reminds me that everything is a cycle. It begins, grows, shares its moments, and eventually disappears into this vast world of ours. It reminds me to take a deep breath and not worry so much about the little things in life because they will pass and I will handle it accordingly. Nothing is given to you that you can't handle. Everything put into your life is there for a reason.

I just love the reds, yellows, oranges, and greens mixed together! So much beauty surrounds us on a daily basis and it shouldn't be hard for us to acknowledge it. It's put on this earth for us to enjoy and remember that our lives are only a teeny tiny part of the universe, so we should live it in the best way possible.

During this time, hot beverages become a staple drink, hats are pulled out, different scarves are worn, boots are pulled out, and sweaters become a regular. I somehow love wearing sweaters, scarves, and boots. I just feel so... FALL-IE! I absolutely love fall, because it's not hot but it's not extremely cold - as in, it's not in the MINUSES just yet. Although, it gets cold at this time, if you dress properly, you'll enjoy it! And I do (for the most part)!

"When I was walking in Memphis

I was walking with my feet ten feet off of Beale"