Fight the break of dawn

For the past two months, I have walked around saying "I hate the educational system". It has caused me to be nonchalant about things that, in the past, would have affected me greatly. It has justified my actions (or lack thereof).

But I realized that I don't hate it, I just find it really difficult to adjust to. It did not meet up with my expectations, although I know nothing ever does. The problem is, at the beginning, it was such a new experience for me, a different environment, a different attitude. I could do what I want, when I wanted. It felt great. I felt free.

Then the walls began to close in. Closer and closer they got. And soon enough, I was stuck. And all the stress, and frustration that was gradually building up and without my knowledge it was drowning me. It was all falling down faster than I expected, faster than I thought it would. I thought I would have a lot more time to get myself out of it, to run, to swim, to just be free. I was not so lucky though. No, luck had nothing to do with it. I was just not smart enough to realize what was happening.

Once I felt the walls cave in, and everything slip away from me, I shut down. I became this person who cared very little about what happened in that world. I cared little about the causes of the stress and frustration. I would find justifications and excuses for what was happening. I basically gave up.

And it felt so good. It felt amazing. Things did not affect me as much. I did whatever I wanted with the least amount of stress. I just did not care. My priorities were twisted into a ball of mess. Internet/TV/Friends over education. I would find something or the other to do that would keep me occupied and away from the heaps of assignments I had. I kept myself distracted for hours on end, occasionally thinking about the work I had, and then brushing it off. This way of life gave me such a nonchalant look at life; made life just seem so easy.

Something else that fuelled my "I give up" attitude was YouTube. I started watching videos sometime last year and basically began following the lives of these 18 to 25 year old youtubers. I would not say that I am completely obsessed with them, I just like to watch their videos and see their pictures - they are a bunch of good looking peeps! Anyways, the point is that I started to sort of envy them because I was comparing the life they had to the life I was living. I was not comparing every single detail of it, just the parts where they seem to be doing things and having loads of fun whilst I was just here, being a hermit. I should add that I am afraid of doing new things and meeting new people (for reasons that will not be disclosed here) which is rather unfortunate because I am a person who would really love to meet new people and do things without being afraid! I kept watching their videos and wondering how come they seem to be having the life that I have wanted to have for so long.

Then I woke up. I was no longer sinking to the bottom. No longer looking at the depths of my life falling apart. I was no longer watching the walls come down on me. What I was doing, what I am doing is not good. It's far from healthy and it's far from reality. I needed to realize that comparing my life to others was so pointless and stupid of me. I had to open my eyes and see that I do have loads of fun, but in different ways. I do have chances to laugh, cry, watch movies, share things with other people. I have people in my life that make me happy and that's all I need. As for the education part, I had a small wake-up call because I realized that I was limiting myself. I have such high hopes and dreams for my life that what I am doing now and was doing in the past will bite me in my derriere. I have the potential to succeed in the educational system and, most importantly, I have the opportunity. So I might as well do my best with what I got and maybe, in the future, the things I would like to do and try will happen.

I just need to learn to go with the flow. I need to learn that giving up, though it makes you feel light as a feather, also limits you later on in life. It actually limits you from the dreams that you've set yourself.

My point of this rather long essay-type post is that I don't hate education, I was just being a little wuss and running away from something that was slightly more difficult than I expected. I was taking the easy way out, when we all know that if you work hard, you can play harder! Being nonchalant about things is not bad, but there is a time and place for it, and my timing and application of it was off. I just need to take everything, from my social life to my education life, day by day and hopefully it will pay off in the end ! :)

"Save tonight and fight the break of dawn. Come tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be gone"